Bathroom Humor
by KSlycke08
Summary: Sabretooth and a Razor. Need I say more?


First off, I would like to thank ColdFusion180 for use of the canon characters and personalities. Second of all, I would like to thank in advance anyone that reads this story and I hope you enjoy it. This is a story about Sabretooth so it would be beneficial if you allow occassional cursing (I just can't picture him saying things like 'Galdarnit'). Read: use your discretion for profanity and a bit of adult themes. Finally I guess I should add the disclaimer part about the characters and likeness not belonging to me, blah blah blah. My story, their character, 'Nuff said.

Bathroom Humor

"Hey! You ain't the only one that needs the bathroom ya know!" Pyro yelled. He had been shoved aside so fast and so hard by one of Creed's ridiculously large hands that he hadn't even have the time to protest. Now that he was left standing in the hallway staring at the bathroom door his immediate reaction was to start pounding. "He…he…Hey!" He said.

"Go. Away." He heard from behind the door.

"Wassa matter, homme?" Gambit asked. He had his cards charged in one hand and his bo-staff ready in the other. Apparently the sound of the door slamming had brought the rest of the Acolytes running upstairs and now all three of them stood staring at the bathroom door.

"Yes, what is this?" Colossus said, he was armored up for battle staring between Pyro and Gambit.

"Sabretooth! He's been in there forever!" Pyro whined. It had actually only been thirty seconds but as desperate as Pyro was the minutes had turned into hours.

"S'at all? Sounded like a bomb'd gone off." Gambit groaned discarding his cards.

"Da. So go use the other bathroom." Piotr added changing back to his unarmored state. Some crisis, he thought, exchanging looks with Gambit.

"But…but…that one's all the way down in the storage area! I gotta go now!" Pyro said.

"You mean the one next to the Haunted Hallway?" Piotr asked.

"Uh…yeah….that one…." Pyro mumbled, suddenly beginning to pound in earnest.

"Toldja not ta drink that case o'Livewire Energizer Cola." Gambit grinned.

"Yeah Vic! We're waiting out here, too!" Piotr said. Figured Magneto would be too cheap to install more than one bathroom at the top of the base where the living areas were. Electron spectrometers, missile launchers, genome splicer's, and the latest in state-of-the-art electronics were all very high on Magneto's priority list. Second bathrooms, not so much.

"Why does this always happen to me?" Pyro moaned throwing up his hands. "He always does this!"

Not really. They all did that to him now that he thought about it. But right now his anger and frustration were focused directly behind the bathroom door.

"What are ya? Deaf? I told ya! Go. Away!"

"Aw, come on man! You can't stay in there forever!" He shouted. "What the hell could be so important he has to hog the bathroom now, anyway?"

...............................................................................................................................................................................

Ignoring the incessant pounding on the door Creed stared at his reflection and snorted. He'd really let himself go during the better part of the 20th century. This was going to take a lot more work than he thought. He turned halfway in front of the mirror and poked a lone finger in his gut. He really had to cut back on the beer tomorrow.

Still, he wasn't that bad, not for his age at least. Hell, except for Jack LaLanne, he was doing alright. He wasn't as flabby and lazy as that tubbo Fred for instance. Or a beanpole like THAT DAMN KID POUNDING ON THE DOOR!

Rolling his eyes and ignoring Pyro's persistent pounding he stared back at the mirror, turning his head left and right. Yup, this was definitely going to take more work than he thought. There was no getting out of it. Still, he could do this. He_ had_ to do this. This was nothing, really. Not compared to the life he'd lived, anyway. Sure, he'd been shot at so many times that his body should have looked like Swiss cheese if it wasn't for his healing factor but this was something altogether different.

Besides it couldn't be as bad as the disco and spandex phase.

Shaking his head he held up the can of shaving cream and looked in the mirror again. Maybe one can wasn't going to be enough, he thought.

What he really needed was an attack plan.

He looked back at the can of shaving cream.

Some gel that promised to cut through the thickest of beards.

Check.

Dangerously sharp razor.

Check.

Scalding hot water most normal people wouldn't use to sanitize surgical instruments with.

Check.

This had better be worth it he thought as he took the first swipe. With one quick stroke he tried to remember how he used to do this every day and dragged the razor across his cheek.

"Aaaaargh!" Son of a……! Damn but that hurt.

Just because he had a healing factor didn't mean peeling away the top two layers of skin on his face didn't hurt. Sucking in his teeth he took another pass.

Quickly he looked down at the sink. Except for a few blood spatters his beard was still there.

I bet that asshole Wolverine doesn't have to worry about this shit, he thought.

...............................................................................................................................................................................

"I wonder what it is he is doing in there." Piotr asked.

"Dude! Who cares! I just wish he would hurry it UP ALREADY!" Pyro yelled, pounding on the door again.

"Uh, you have not been making your gumbo surprise again have you Gambit?" Piotr asked his eyebrows raised.

"Me?" Gambit asked. "Neh, Magneto won't let me near the kitchen again. Why?"

"Hey, I liked your gumbo." Pyro said temporarily broken out of his relentless pounding by the thought of food.

"Yes, I would say that we did quite enjoy your gumbo, Gambit." Piotr said. "Unfortunately the gumbo did not care for us."

"Dem Cajun spices, sometime dey give a kick if you not used to it." Gambit grinned.

"Um, on second thought, maybe I _should _use the bathroom in the storage area……….."Pyro said.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

If it were up to him Creed would swear he didn't want to use it in the first place. It was one of those things he chalked up to the 'seemed like a good idea at the time' file. It was just sitting there actually. If he had to think about it, it was probably one of the kids, anyway. One of their new-fangled toys like the internet and online por…..er,banking. They were neat to have and great to look at but not really necessary to live. But, hell, if the internet and online banking could work then maybe this could too.

Creed was never that old that he discarded new technology anyway.

Besides, this razor stuff was getting old fast, blood spatters or not.

This was either going to work or he was going to have the mother of all razor burns.

Slowly Sabretooth brought the Eliminator Depilitator 9000 to his face.

And immediately regretted it as the motor buzzed to life bucking and kicking in his hands. Even as hard as he tried to hold on, it flew out of his hands like it had a mind of its own, the cord dangling in the air and slipping across the sink. Like a deranged overgrown motorized mosquito the Eliminator Depilitator 9000 grated across the counter and up the wall taking the wallpaper off as Sabretooth tried to grab it.

"Son of a………..! Come back here you little……! Yeeeoooow! Not my back!"

"Errroowww……..mmmrrrrrrrooow……." The Eliminator Depilitator 9000 kept going taking tiles off the bathroom wall and chunks out of the porcelain. "Cherrr-ggaa……mrrr….."

"Sweet mother! My eyes! Get it off!"

"Wassat?" Gambit asked.

"Oh please say he's done, oh please please please……." Pyro chanted. He had given up pounding on the door and now lay motionless at the bathroom door.

"Ssshhhhh. I think I hear something too." Piotr said, his ears alert.

"What the…….?"

"fffrttttzzzztt……..brrrrgg……..chergg………mmnnn……"

"Come back here, God-*%^#! No! Not that way!"

"Vic! Come on! Open up!" Gambit panicked. What the Hell was going on in there, anyways?

"Just a second dammit!" Sabretooth yelled.

"Ffffrrr……..mrrrr………."

"Uh, be right now." He said more calmly. "Owe owe owe! Jesus Christ on a bike! Gerrdid…….mmmrrrof! Mry wips! ""

Crash! Pow! Crack!

"mrrrrrr………..mrrr……..bzzzzt………"

"Oh no you don't! I'll show you!"

"ffzzt…….chuggg"

"Um, guys, should the lights be flickering like that?" Pyro asked.

Crash!

"I think that was the tile." Piotr said.

Krsshhh....tinkle tinkle tinkle...shrrrip!

"And that was definitely the mirror."

"I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know." Pyro moaned from the floor.

"I got you! Ha! That'll teach you! Victor Creed ain't no quitter! Hear that dad! I ain't no quitter!"

"ffrrrrr……rrrr….mrrrrr…….bzzzztttt………..pop……..poof….poof…cough…cough……bllzzzt."

"Ha Ha Ha! See that! See that! See that! That'll learn ya ta ever mess with Victor Creed again!"

"Guys, I think the hallway lights went dead." Piotr said.

...............................................................................................................................................................................

With a loud bang! Sabretooth opened the door, finally clean shaven, a cigar in his mouth and an all too smug look on his face. In one hand he held the now smoking Eliminator Depilitator 9000 while behind him the bathroom lay in shambles, tiles strewn across the floor and stuck to the acoustic tile in the ceiling. Porcelain and caulk blew haphazard in the air while water spewed from the broken faucet. Ankle deep in the destroyed bathroom the lights flickered behind him like lightening, the toilet running behind him like a sadistic plumbing version of thunder.

"Holy….!"

"Oh….My...F…God!" Pyro said still laying on the floor with his legs crossed. Now this was almost worth bursting a bladder over. Almost.

"Wow that must be some sweet piece...." Gambit said, mesmerized.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" Sabretooth growled just to get his point across. The truth was he had won and now he was feeling superior. Granted he had just battled an electric razor to life or death but that was beside the point.

"The bathroom!" Pyro yelled huffing and standing up with his legs crossed. He had to half bunny hop past Sabretooth but he finally pushed past the rest of the Acolytes and slammed the door behind him.

"What was that all about?" Sabretooth snarled looking back at the bathroom door and holding the Eliminator Depilitator 9000.

"Pyro really needed to use the bathroom, I guess." Gambit said.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Later that night…

"It's so 'smooth'." Raven yawned rubbing his cheek. The sound of her voice breathing in his ear gave him goose bumps. Hey, everyone had a tickle spot.

"Thought ya might like it." Sabretooth grinned, his eyes half closed and fangs showing. If he had been half of the cat he was named for Raven would have thought he would be purring by now. In fact, everything had gone exactly the way he planned and now he was happily content. He wouldn't admit it but he liked the feeling of Raven's nails under his chin. Sleepily he raised his chin up further and stretched his arm around her. Yup, it had been worth it.

"You're hair though….." She sighed.

To be continued....


End file.
